What I’m Learning

I just don’t know how I could possibly be afraid of success… it just doesn’t make any sense. But whether that thought is rational or not, I believe I am. I’m scared of excellence.

When I look at that sentence, I think, “What?! Certainly not me! As many dreams as I have? Yeah, right.” It’s true, I have lots of dreams, sitting in my head or on paper. I’m doing a radio show now, so that’s a part of my dream’s foundation  (once I learn how to really operate the board). I’m majoring in Broadcast Journalism, so that’s a huge part of my dream, which is to become a Talk Show Host/Media Mogul. It’s not like I’m just slacking off, skipping classes (Oh wait, I’ve done that already, this semester…), I mean, I’m accomplishing a lot of what I want to accomplish, I’m just not being as excellent as I want to be. Or as I know I can be.

Today, one of my tasks was to check my budget. Make sure I’m not going to be broke anytime soon. You would’ve thought checking my budget involved killing someone, because I did not want to do it. I’ve been putting it off for days. I kept telling myself, “I don’t want to spend all of my money,” but yet I was still afraid to make sure I’m managing it well.

You know, I’m going to stop right there. I read something a while ago, and it said (paraphrased):

Do not say that you are jealous, or that you are angry, because that suggests that you are a jealous or angry person. Instead, say there is jealousy or anger within you.

From now on, I’m not going to continue to tell myself that I’m afraid of success, and that I believe in what I do not want for myself. Instead, I’m going to do what I have to do, and notice the fear within me. I don’t have to own it, because I know that essentially I am not afraid. I’ve come this far, right?

As you can probably tell, I am still learning all of this.